As adults, we often carry memories from our childhood and teenage years that shape our relationship with the silences in our homes. For each of us, the word ‘silence’ might bring a different feeling: For some it could be a tightening of the jaw, for others a kind of anxiety in the gut or even a sigh of relief. Notice yours for a moment before we go further.
Let’s start by understanding silence. Silence can be understood as a quiet space that makes us feel calm, at peace, and lets our body feel regulated. Silence acts as a boundary to make someone understand that you are in disagreement, or upset, because of their actions or a particular situation. Boundaries allow us to take some time and space to experience and express our emotions, without making people feel abandoned. In simple words, silence acts as a cool-off period in relationships. In this way, silence becomes an effective means to communicate, and then to repair the relationship.
Before we explore the idea of silence as a punishment, let us ask ourselves the following questions: What did silence look like when we were growing up? How do we feel when someone close to us almost instantly stops talking to us for a long duration, because we may have made a mistake? How comfortable are we with silence in a room full of people? Does it keep us at ease or make us feel anxious? These questions will help us reflect on the role silence has played in our lives so far.
In many Indian households, silence is used as a punishment, and it can shape our relationship with caregivers over time. How so? When a child does not adhere to the wishes of a parent, or engages in an argument with them, they are often subjected to either beating or silent treatment. Both come from the same belief that a child must feel the consequences of their actions to learn from it, and that being strict with them today will make them a better person tomorrow. Silence is just the quieter way of doing it. In moments such as these, silence becomes an acceptable tool to maintain “peace and quiet in the home”. Parents and children either avoid each other or speak only minimally, both wanting to be understood and expecting an apology.
The child tiptoes around the parent, expecting them to show love, care, and affection despite the disagreement. Children also do not yet know how to self-regulate, deal with big feelings, or express themselves. They cannot ask for time, explain, or leave. All they feel is that the person they love most has gone distant. To them, it feels like losing a parent.
This confuses the child. The people the child loves the most and turns to for comfort, are the ones withholding it, with no deadline for when they will return and make them feel loved. This can make the child feel anxious and neglected. They begin to believe they are worthy of love only if they are a “good child”.
Also important to understand is that in a parent-child relationship, the power is not equal. The parent decides when to go quiet and when to return, and the child is left waiting. How a parent uses that power is what makes silence a boundary or a punishment.
Many of us grew up with silences where we never knew when things would go back to normal, and we may still carry them into our friendships, our relationships. The same child who grew up in the middle of this uncertainty reaches for silence with friends after a fight, with a partner during a disagreement, and even with a colleague at work. What was once a response of the parent slowly becomes a person’s default response to anyone they are upset with. And when they are the one to make a mistake, that old feeling of not being loved comes back in their other relationships, because they have learnt that making mistakes silence abandonment. Silences are not meant to look and feel like this.
Before we move on, ask yourself, "Where does your silence show up today with a partner, friend, colleague or someone else?
When silence is used as a boundary, it lasts only for a while, not forever, and the person keeping that silence usually returns to talk things out. What this does is give room to both people. When two adults use silence as a boundary, both of them know what is happening. They can ask for time, explain why, and come back when they are ready. Here, a small break in connection is not the problem. The real failure is a silence that never comes back, one with no certainty and no promise attached to it.
In a parent-child dynamic, it is the parent’s decision to return and communicate that decides whether the silence heals or hurts. And coming back does not need to be complicated. It can be as simple as a parent saying, “I needed a few minutes, I am here now.”
This is why it becomes extremely important for us to reflect on the silences in our homes and their impact on our children. We can choose to do it differently. Silence can be a useful tool when used as a boundary, assuring the child that love and safety are still there. In the end, a child needs a parent who comes back, with clarity and compassion.
